Senior Year.
Stressed like heck.
I must retake the SAT in November, make applications by November 15, make a decision on which college to go to soon after that, and actually graduate. I think I will die.
But more than that, I have been really struggling with what God wants me to do with my life.. now. I think that I sometimes live in the future, worrying about what I'll do then and there and all that... when I should be living out God's will right now...
I dunno about the rest of ya'll, but I learn things the hard way. And God's been teaching me a hard lesson lately - trust. I always say I trust God, but do I really? Do I really give up all the controls in my life and turn them over to God? I think most often I say, "Here God, you can have this part of my life. But I really think I should handle this part, ok?" And God's like, "Um... No Harim, how about you give me that too. I won't hurt you, you know that. Why won't you trust me?" I kinda ignored him and went on doing what I wanted, and ultimately screwed up big time. And I'm trying to fix my mistake now, but God's still been prodding me... saying, "Wait. I will handle this. Will you trust me this time?" And I really want to... I really need to.
9/22/2012
5/03/2012
Life.
So.
End of year = end of patience which ultimately = life sucks.
So... here I am, on May 3, 2012. Yeah. I know. The world should have ended by now.
But still.... here I am, breathing and living. As well as being a butt to everyone around me. Lately I've been stressed with school... all of the work that it entails as well as the drama that associates with mid/high schoolers. I've been struggling with my time... lately I've just sat down and have done... virtually nothing. In fact, I seem to be wasting my time most days. My bitterness that comes from stress has turned into insensitivity, and that clearly hurts a lot of my close friends. I get extremely sensitive towards anything that I may find even the slightest bit annoying. So what does this all end in? Misery. Oh well. Life's rough I guess :P
End of year = end of patience which ultimately = life sucks.
So... here I am, on May 3, 2012. Yeah. I know. The world should have ended by now.
But still.... here I am, breathing and living. As well as being a butt to everyone around me. Lately I've been stressed with school... all of the work that it entails as well as the drama that associates with mid/high schoolers. I've been struggling with my time... lately I've just sat down and have done... virtually nothing. In fact, I seem to be wasting my time most days. My bitterness that comes from stress has turned into insensitivity, and that clearly hurts a lot of my close friends. I get extremely sensitive towards anything that I may find even the slightest bit annoying. So what does this all end in? Misery. Oh well. Life's rough I guess :P
11/14/2011
Thanksgiving
up down up down up down.... up.
:]
Life is seriously like a rollercoaster. You have those really really long ups... tip over the edge and you go tumbling down in a spiral.... dizzy.... then life's normal... cruisin' along... drop.. go up again....
Way too crazy.
But life seems to be... almost perfect. My friends are all alive :] and we laugh about nigahiga vids and just.... it's all so perfect. I hate thinking of Christmas like this, but Christmas is like the half year mark for me... it's like... oh no... good bye's are coming up. Who will I have to say good bye to this year? So many stinkin' teachers are leaving... and many of my good friends.... ayh. I'm trying to be thankful... like the guy Mr. Meyer talked about - who was able to say "Thank you for my stomach cancer." To be able to say thank you to God.. for that to be my first reaction... *sigh* I really want to be like this bus it's so hard when everything I know seems to be slipping through my fingers... trying to hold on by squeezing the gaps shut only makes it all overflow and spill anyway.... I can't do anything about it... but watch it all slip away. Until I am empty and broken.... when I can turn only to God and say, "You are good."
:]
Life is seriously like a rollercoaster. You have those really really long ups... tip over the edge and you go tumbling down in a spiral.... dizzy.... then life's normal... cruisin' along... drop.. go up again....
Way too crazy.
But life seems to be... almost perfect. My friends are all alive :] and we laugh about nigahiga vids and just.... it's all so perfect. I hate thinking of Christmas like this, but Christmas is like the half year mark for me... it's like... oh no... good bye's are coming up. Who will I have to say good bye to this year? So many stinkin' teachers are leaving... and many of my good friends.... ayh. I'm trying to be thankful... like the guy Mr. Meyer talked about - who was able to say "Thank you for my stomach cancer." To be able to say thank you to God.. for that to be my first reaction... *sigh* I really want to be like this bus it's so hard when everything I know seems to be slipping through my fingers... trying to hold on by squeezing the gaps shut only makes it all overflow and spill anyway.... I can't do anything about it... but watch it all slip away. Until I am empty and broken.... when I can turn only to God and say, "You are good."
11/07/2011
Giving it all up.
content.......
but I knw it won't last.
That's the thing with my life... everytime I'm hvng the bst times in the wrld, i hv that sinking feeling tht it'll be ovr soon..... like standing on a beach... the sun's shining..... the sand's soft.... everything's perfect. but there's that wave in the distance... increasing in size, gaining speed. A tsunami.
I love how my life is right now.... my friends are close, Kalista's so happy again... Grace opens up to me as if I rly am her sister.... Hannah's able to express her real emotions to me.... Nashi and I cn talk in Turkish to each other nd laugh..... I hv awesome mama's.... gettin to knw more abt Saraaaa. Such awesome ppl in my life. My boyfriend makes me feel like i'm the only one he'll evr like.... holds me and nothing matters.
Such blessings in my life. Such happy happy happy chocolates :)
Maybe I'm jst emo or smthn.... I shld prolly jst be thnkfl and not b so pessimistic. But I can't help thinkn abt the time.... so mny ppl r leaving... two mom's r leaving - whatever will I do without them?? - a lot of my friends r leavn.... Kalista. If she leaves..... I dnt evn knw wat that'd be like.... I keep praying that God wld let her stay. But everytime I rmbr Jesus at the Garden.... saying, "But not my will, but yours be done." Is God asking me to let her go? To really lay down everything... to really give up all of my life, all of the things I love... even my best friend? Even someone who makes my day, just seeing her smile triggers a smile.... just being with her, evn if we don't talk is comforting. Not talking to her for a couple of days is so hard.
But not my will, but yours be done God. I give everything. It's all yours. I know you have a greater plan. Your blessings.... are "trials in disguise."
but I knw it won't last.
That's the thing with my life... everytime I'm hvng the bst times in the wrld, i hv that sinking feeling tht it'll be ovr soon..... like standing on a beach... the sun's shining..... the sand's soft.... everything's perfect. but there's that wave in the distance... increasing in size, gaining speed. A tsunami.
I love how my life is right now.... my friends are close, Kalista's so happy again... Grace opens up to me as if I rly am her sister.... Hannah's able to express her real emotions to me.... Nashi and I cn talk in Turkish to each other nd laugh..... I hv awesome mama's.... gettin to knw more abt Saraaaa. Such awesome ppl in my life. My boyfriend makes me feel like i'm the only one he'll evr like.... holds me and nothing matters.
Such blessings in my life. Such happy happy happy chocolates :)
Maybe I'm jst emo or smthn.... I shld prolly jst be thnkfl and not b so pessimistic. But I can't help thinkn abt the time.... so mny ppl r leaving... two mom's r leaving - whatever will I do without them?? - a lot of my friends r leavn.... Kalista. If she leaves..... I dnt evn knw wat that'd be like.... I keep praying that God wld let her stay. But everytime I rmbr Jesus at the Garden.... saying, "But not my will, but yours be done." Is God asking me to let her go? To really lay down everything... to really give up all of my life, all of the things I love... even my best friend? Even someone who makes my day, just seeing her smile triggers a smile.... just being with her, evn if we don't talk is comforting. Not talking to her for a couple of days is so hard.
But not my will, but yours be done God. I give everything. It's all yours. I know you have a greater plan. Your blessings.... are "trials in disguise."
10/14/2011
School = package deal with DRAMA
Who knew that high school could be so dramatic?
It feels like I'm caught up in a storm, attracting other storms... everyone around me... all of their lives are crazy too - except for for Hannah's. It's like she's the eye of the storm :P Mind switching?? ;)
So far... 11th grade's been easier than 10th grade... but Pre-calc is going to be the death of me :P Math, math, math, why do you torture me so?? And Art is also kind of stressing me out :P Going over and over something really doesn't help whatever I'm working on, apparently :P
So for the drama. I think I've had enough to last me a life time. All these confusions..... doubts, wonderings, why's, frustration, depression, pessimism, and being cranky.... It seems to take up so much of my time. I know I wanted to stay, but I wanted to stay so bad I didn't realize what consequences that may bring. Because the longer time you have with people, the more time you have to make mistakes that will leave permanent scars. If I could look at the emotional picture of my heart right now, it'd probably turn up pretty horrendous. Bruises, scars, cuts. Holes that some people have left from stabbing me... over and over again. Not hearing me out when I begged them to, not realizing that I've always been here until I'm gone, now that the cycle's restarted, how I'm second in-line. Sometimes not knowing these things, feeling numb, living in an oblivious world is the best. Bliss. Kinda too late :P
I don't want to waste my time with certain people, but for right now..... I want to sleep. To not think. To be free from the real world for just a few hours..... maybe days... weeks? Why can't humans hibernate??
When I'm thinking about these things, I find myself hugging my head with my arms.... when I stand before God... just close my eyes in awe of Him, in how he can hold me together.... I look up and I can almost imagine God smiling serenely at me. This reminds me of "Temporary Home" by Carrie Underwood...
Little boy, 6 years old
A little too used to bein' alone.
Another new mom and dad,another school,
Another house that'll never be home.
When people ask him how he likes this place...
He looks up and says, with a smile upon his face,
"This is my temporary home
It's not where I belong.
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through.
This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going.
I'm not afraid because I know this is my
Temporary Home."
Young mom on her own.
She needs a little help, got nowhere to go.
She's lookin' for a job, lookin' for a way out,
Because a half-way house will never be a home.
At night she whispers to her baby girl,
"Someday we'll find our place here in this world."
"This is our temporary home.
It's not where we belong.
Windows and rooms that we're passin' through.
This is just a stop, on the way to where we're going.
I'm not afraid because I know this is our
Temporary Home."
Old man, hospital bed,
The room is filled with people he loves.
And he whispers don't cry for me,
I'll see you all someday.
He looks up and says, "I can see God's face."
"This is my temporary Home
It's not where I belong.
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through.
This was just a stop,on the way to where I'm going.
I'm not afraid because I know... this was
My temporary home."
This is our temporary home.
It feels like I'm caught up in a storm, attracting other storms... everyone around me... all of their lives are crazy too - except for for Hannah's. It's like she's the eye of the storm :P Mind switching?? ;)
So far... 11th grade's been easier than 10th grade... but Pre-calc is going to be the death of me :P Math, math, math, why do you torture me so?? And Art is also kind of stressing me out :P Going over and over something really doesn't help whatever I'm working on, apparently :P
So for the drama. I think I've had enough to last me a life time. All these confusions..... doubts, wonderings, why's, frustration, depression, pessimism, and being cranky.... It seems to take up so much of my time. I know I wanted to stay, but I wanted to stay so bad I didn't realize what consequences that may bring. Because the longer time you have with people, the more time you have to make mistakes that will leave permanent scars. If I could look at the emotional picture of my heart right now, it'd probably turn up pretty horrendous. Bruises, scars, cuts. Holes that some people have left from stabbing me... over and over again. Not hearing me out when I begged them to, not realizing that I've always been here until I'm gone, now that the cycle's restarted, how I'm second in-line. Sometimes not knowing these things, feeling numb, living in an oblivious world is the best. Bliss. Kinda too late :P
I don't want to waste my time with certain people, but for right now..... I want to sleep. To not think. To be free from the real world for just a few hours..... maybe days... weeks? Why can't humans hibernate??
When I'm thinking about these things, I find myself hugging my head with my arms.... when I stand before God... just close my eyes in awe of Him, in how he can hold me together.... I look up and I can almost imagine God smiling serenely at me. This reminds me of "Temporary Home" by Carrie Underwood...
Little boy, 6 years old
A little too used to bein' alone.
Another new mom and dad,another school,
Another house that'll never be home.
When people ask him how he likes this place...
He looks up and says, with a smile upon his face,
"This is my temporary home
It's not where I belong.
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through.
This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going.
I'm not afraid because I know this is my
Temporary Home."
Young mom on her own.
She needs a little help, got nowhere to go.
She's lookin' for a job, lookin' for a way out,
Because a half-way house will never be a home.
At night she whispers to her baby girl,
"Someday we'll find our place here in this world."
"This is our temporary home.
It's not where we belong.
Windows and rooms that we're passin' through.
This is just a stop, on the way to where we're going.
I'm not afraid because I know this is our
Temporary Home."
Old man, hospital bed,
The room is filled with people he loves.
And he whispers don't cry for me,
I'll see you all someday.
He looks up and says, "I can see God's face."
"This is my temporary Home
It's not where I belong.
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through.
This was just a stop,on the way to where I'm going.
I'm not afraid because I know... this was
My temporary home."
This is our temporary home.
6/09/2011
Summer is almost here!!
I think I've broken my record of posting only once a year ;) It's exam week..... and we've had half days because of exams and all.... the extra time makes me want to do stuff on the internet rather than study :P ;)
Now....... summer is almost here - next Tuesday is the last day of school. Dan dan daaaaaaan!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know how to feel about it...... everyone around me..... they're all so excited. But to be honest, I dread it :P I've never really liked the summer - to me, it's the symbol of good-bye's and tears.... sweating to death, feeling claustrophobic at night because of the heat, having nothing to do...... the only up side to summer for me is the fact that I get to spend time with my family...... *sigh* I'm more of a social person - I like having lots of people around me..... but it always seems to be my friends or family... one at a time. Ohhhh well, such is the way of life :P
I don't know if all of ya'll have heard me say this before, but I absolute loathe the dude who invented the word "good-bye." First off, good-bye's aren't "good." They're absolutely and undoubtably painful and I believe they should be extinct :P I srsly think someone should invent instant transportation one of these days - then u'd be able to see the ppl u wanna see whenever ;)
Hmmmm....... what else is going on with life? Well, I plan on having a lot of hanging out time this weekend.... tomorrow's the Senior Leau :) Then a sleepover with my besties, and then on Saturday is the Youth Group Party!!!!!! It's exciting, but still really sad because it's going to be the last Youth Group of this school year :( :( :( And after that, I'm thinking of going to watch Pirates of the Caribbean 4 with my peeps ;) Fun fun fun!!
I still don't know what I'm doing next year...... and it's killing my brain :P I'm begging God..... but His will is the best..... so I'm trying to be submissive :P Please pray para miiii! :)
Now....... summer is almost here - next Tuesday is the last day of school. Dan dan daaaaaaan!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know how to feel about it...... everyone around me..... they're all so excited. But to be honest, I dread it :P I've never really liked the summer - to me, it's the symbol of good-bye's and tears.... sweating to death, feeling claustrophobic at night because of the heat, having nothing to do...... the only up side to summer for me is the fact that I get to spend time with my family...... *sigh* I'm more of a social person - I like having lots of people around me..... but it always seems to be my friends or family... one at a time. Ohhhh well, such is the way of life :P
I don't know if all of ya'll have heard me say this before, but I absolute loathe the dude who invented the word "good-bye." First off, good-bye's aren't "good." They're absolutely and undoubtably painful and I believe they should be extinct :P I srsly think someone should invent instant transportation one of these days - then u'd be able to see the ppl u wanna see whenever ;)
Hmmmm....... what else is going on with life? Well, I plan on having a lot of hanging out time this weekend.... tomorrow's the Senior Leau :) Then a sleepover with my besties, and then on Saturday is the Youth Group Party!!!!!! It's exciting, but still really sad because it's going to be the last Youth Group of this school year :( :( :( And after that, I'm thinking of going to watch Pirates of the Caribbean 4 with my peeps ;) Fun fun fun!!
I still don't know what I'm doing next year...... and it's killing my brain :P I'm begging God..... but His will is the best..... so I'm trying to be submissive :P Please pray para miiii! :)
6/04/2011
Life = Cupcake
Hey :) Yep, you better believe it, I finally changed my blog settings and even am posting right now ;) It took me a long time to figure out how to change the language settings for some reason ;) Anyways..... my life is like a cupcake right now....... I'm sure some of ya'll have seen my status on FB ;)
I shall elaborate on what I was trying to say.... cupcakes.... have cupcake holders. It keeps the cupcake from crumbling everywhere, making a mess. It's the foundation.... symbolism here ;) The middle, the cupcake itself, let's say it's a chocolate cupcake. It's all dark, filled with holes..... symbolism once again ;) The icing on top.... is white...... bliss :) It has sprinkles and chocolate, little gifts from the baker..... laughter and love.... symbolism :) I like symbolism :)
Life is also....... these word flash through my head: instability..... grasping at straws..... depending...... wondering....... hopelessness....... little sparks of happiness...... hope. I really want to stay in Ankara..... my hopes were so high - I couldn't help it. But things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to... not that I ever thought I could actually stay... I never got to digest it..... but I guess I felt so crushed because...... because I was thinking about how I'd have to say good-bye to everyone.... how hard that would be. Faces that I love flashed through my head..... FB chats of when people were so happy I might be staying....... having to say no....... it was so complicated :P I'm depending on God's provision...... I'm sure whatever happens - whether I leave or stay, God will be with me. He will provide me with the best of the best, and He will be my Rock.... my foundation.
I don't know if any of ya'll have read the book "Guys Are Waffles, Girls Are Spaghetti." I've started reading it.... it's awesome so far :) It talks about how guys' and girls' minds work. If you look at a waffle, you can see that it has several boxes. Guys' minds are like that - not physically, mentally ;) - they have different compartments and sections. They think of one thing at a time. When they're playing a game, they're simply playing a game. When they're happy, they're simply happy. They even have a "nothing" box, in which they literally think of nothing. I found that one really strange :P Girls, on the other hand, have minds like spaghetti. All the individual strands touch each other, making connections, jumping from one thing to another. It's a pretty cool book :)
I shall elaborate on what I was trying to say.... cupcakes.... have cupcake holders. It keeps the cupcake from crumbling everywhere, making a mess. It's the foundation.... symbolism here ;) The middle, the cupcake itself, let's say it's a chocolate cupcake. It's all dark, filled with holes..... symbolism once again ;) The icing on top.... is white...... bliss :) It has sprinkles and chocolate, little gifts from the baker..... laughter and love.... symbolism :) I like symbolism :)
Life is also....... these word flash through my head: instability..... grasping at straws..... depending...... wondering....... hopelessness....... little sparks of happiness...... hope. I really want to stay in Ankara..... my hopes were so high - I couldn't help it. But things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to... not that I ever thought I could actually stay... I never got to digest it..... but I guess I felt so crushed because...... because I was thinking about how I'd have to say good-bye to everyone.... how hard that would be. Faces that I love flashed through my head..... FB chats of when people were so happy I might be staying....... having to say no....... it was so complicated :P I'm depending on God's provision...... I'm sure whatever happens - whether I leave or stay, God will be with me. He will provide me with the best of the best, and He will be my Rock.... my foundation.
I don't know if any of ya'll have read the book "Guys Are Waffles, Girls Are Spaghetti." I've started reading it.... it's awesome so far :) It talks about how guys' and girls' minds work. If you look at a waffle, you can see that it has several boxes. Guys' minds are like that - not physically, mentally ;) - they have different compartments and sections. They think of one thing at a time. When they're playing a game, they're simply playing a game. When they're happy, they're simply happy. They even have a "nothing" box, in which they literally think of nothing. I found that one really strange :P Girls, on the other hand, have minds like spaghetti. All the individual strands touch each other, making connections, jumping from one thing to another. It's a pretty cool book :)
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